Another step

I got Zanes death certificate today. I read over it a few times. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I kind of went numb. I also had Chase talking to me, which was a much needed distraction. Now I can get some things taken care of that I needed the certificate for.

I could so use a hug right now.......and to not be let go..........

Missing

I didn't really know what to title this post. Today I ordered Zanes death certificate. Why did I have to do that? Why did my husband have to die? Why do I get to miss out on playing with our grandchildren together? Why do I get to miss out on growing old with my husband? 

A huge part of my life is missing. Some days the ache in my heart is so bad I want my heart to just stop beating. People say the pain will get less and less and things will get better over time, and I know they mean well, but that's not helping me now. Nothing is easing the pain. I lose my temper way too much with the boys. All I want to do is lay in the bedroom, and at the same time I want to never go in that bedroom again. Too many painful memories. I want so badly to get the boys out of this house so they can have some sort of normal life. They desevre to feel safe, and to be able to play outside and they deserve bedrooms of their own. Tyler can't have friends over because of where we live and the fact that he doesn't have a room to play in with a friend. But thanks to my credit, no one will finance me and everything I have found to rent we can't afford. All Zane ever talked about was getting our forever home, and I can't even do that. And to be honest, I don't care anymore. Dishes have piled up again....laundry is a mess, mainly because I really don't have a place to put it away. Tyler has to dig through a laundry basket to get clothes for school, because his dresser is still packed away. Both boys are always losing clothes because they are scattered all over. The boys deserve so much better......

I miss so many things. I miss being held. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss gentle kisses. I miss holding Zanes thumb, as to me that was my "security". I miss holding hands while driving or walking. I miss knowing someone loved and cared for me so much. I miss laying up against someone at night. I miss just knowing someone is there for me. I miss being happy. I miss...being me.

One month

It's so hard to believe Zane has been gone a month. Some days it seems so much longer, while other days seem like it just happened. Last night I was sitting on the back deck steps while Jinx was doing his business, and I kept seeing in my mind the paramedics getting Zane out of the house, putting him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. I started crying a little as I tried to get the images out of my mind and said out loud "I love and miss you, Zane..." Before I could wipe any tears away, I heard Jinx whimper and he ran up the steps to me and licked my face.  I know in my heart Zane picked out Jinx for us, and now I know why........

Love and miss you, babe............