Heart broken

 It's been tough getting this computer to cooperate so I could post again but fingers crossed I got it. This past February, we lost a member of our family. He had been with us since Zane passed away and got us through so many dark times. Jinx. He was my rock so many times and I still feel so lost without him. At times I still hear his old man grunts and swear I hear him bark. We don't know what happened, he was fine the days leading up. That day, he spent some time outside but Tyler had noticed he hadn't eaten or drank all day. By 1am the 10th, he was gone. The boys did such an incredible job handling getting him outside and buried. I wish we would have had the funds to get him cremated, but he is in his very own backyard. We miss you beyond words but I know you are waiting for us and we will see you again.

Photos were taken literally days before he was gone. 

One month

It's so hard to believe Zane has been gone a month. Some days it seems so much longer, while other days seem like it just happened. Last night I was sitting on the back deck steps while Jinx was doing his business, and I kept seeing in my mind the paramedics getting Zane out of the house, putting him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. I started crying a little as I tried to get the images out of my mind and said out loud "I love and miss you, Zane..." Before I could wipe any tears away, I heard Jinx whimper and he ran up the steps to me and licked my face.  I know in my heart Zane picked out Jinx for us, and now I know why........

Love and miss you, babe............

2 weeks

It's now been two weeks since Zane went Home. Things seem to be going "ok". Tyler has had break downs from time to time, and still wakes up scared that someone is going to break into the house. Chase is still trying to understand. He says daddy is up in Heaven, but sometimes asks when he will be home. Me, i've been handling it the best I can. Some days are harder than others. I still keep waiting for him to walk through the front door and say "Honey i'm home and I had a hard day!" and come up and kiss me. I miss him laying up against me at night, keeping me warm. I even miss him "poking" me throughout the night. I miss holding his thumb.....for some reason that was my security. I miss his smell. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing "I love you" more than anything. I hear it from the boys every single day, and I love them more than life ifself. And I know friends and family love me, but it's just not the same....if that makes sense?!? I don't cry as often as I feel I should, but that is because of the Xanax. I know I won't need it for ever and don't want to take it forever, but right now it is the only thing keeping me sane....and keeping me from harming myself, to be honest.

Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.

Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will  help us get into the home we want. I  know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.

One week

It's hard to believe that Zane has been gone for a week already. The in-laws went home Saturday, so it is now just the boys and I starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter I had hoped and prayed would never happen. Saturday we seemed to handle being here ok. After we were here for awhile, Tyler had a break down. He said he was terrified to be in the house without daddy and kept begging me to get moved. I had found at least two homes that would be perfect for us, but do to bad credit I couldn't get financed even when we have income coming in. Before Zane had passed we had asked if someone could co-sign for us to get us out of here, but now that he is gone I just couldn't bring myself to ask someone to do something SO major like that. The house that is right up the road from us we could easily afford if we could only get financed. And it's not like i'm asking to move into some huge, overpriced house! I know in my heart when the time comes we will get to where we belong, but seeing my 9 year old so scared to be in this house due to the neighbors next to us is killing me. It's just not safe here. Hell, even i'm scared to be in this house.I pray every night that somehow we get out of where we are. Maybe that would help us with our grieving. Once we get moved we are getting a German Shepherd puppy that Zane always wanted. He would want us to have that.

I did laundry yesterday. I set aside all of Zanes clothes. I'll keep them out for a bit longer, and then i'll pack them up. I don't want to get rid of any of them. Not even his see-through, worn out boxers that he loved! I ordered another canvas picture from Sam's Club. It was a wedding pic. I know money is tight, but it is something I needed, I think?!? Cleaning the living room I came across his slippers and his work and regular shoes. I took one of his shirts that still had his scent on it and put it over a pillow. It helped a little. I miss his hugs and him telling me he loved me when we went to bed. I thinkI miss that the most right now, just hearing someone say "I love you". I used to hold onto his thumb and it always made me feel safe and secure.....I miss that.

Zane

Zane is now Home with God. Thank you all again for all of the thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They mean so much to us.

God Bless you all

4 years ago today

We said goodbye to my best friend, my mom. It's so hard to believe she has been gone for 4 years, and at the same time it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I miss her so much. I still get the urge to pick up my phone and call her. But as much as I miss her, I know she is watching over all of us. :)

Love & miss you, mom.........

3 years ago today

It's so hard to believe mom has been gone for 3 years. I still get the urger to pick up the phone to call her and tell her how great Tyler did in school, or to tell her something new Chase is saying. I know she is watching over my boys, and that is such a great comfort.

Love & miss you, mom........

A rough day.....*edited*

...for the most part, anyway. It's been a week since Licky left us. When I was sitting at Ty's school waiting for him to come out I started thinking about how that time last week is when she passed away. Made my heart hurt for her. :( The house still feels so empty without her. I keep waiting to hear her bark when we get back from being out. And I can still smell her in the house, but it's not a stinky dog smell. I miss having a dog around so much.......once we are out of this house we will add a new family member.

So today was an "interesting" day, to say the least. It started with me not being able to find my cellphone. Ty and I looked all over for it before I took him to school but had no luck finding it. I got some change together so I could use a payphone to call Z to let him know I didn't have it. (we don't have a house phone anymore, as there was no point to having it when we never used it) I stopped to get gas and then took Ty to school. I knew there was a payphone at Weigel's, so I headed there. They wanted $1 to make a 10 minute call!!! OMG, I couldn't believe it!!! Needless to say, I didn't use the payphone. Before I left to take Ty I had posted on Facebook about losing my phone. Well, once I got home I posted again about still not finding it and how expensive the payphone was. I went to get laundry started when I heard my phone ringing!! I started listening really hard for where the sound was coming from......and then I knew; the darn thing was in the diaper bag the whole time!!!! But my bestest bestie had called me to help me find my phone.....I swear I never even thought to ask someone to call me to help me find it!! Talk about a blonde moment! Also, poor Chase wasn't feeling well and I wanted to see if he should be seen by a doctor or not and not having my phone I was worried if he got worse I wouldn't have a way to call anyone. I was also worried if Ty's school needed to get ahold of me I wouldn't get the calls.

So once I had my phone found and some calls made (and Chase started feeling better), we went and did a little shopping. We went to Target first, as they sometimes have a better selection of clothes for Ty. Well they had swimming trunks, but they were still marked $9! Walmart had them for $6, so I decided to just wait and get them from there. I was about to leave when I saw something that I had been searching for for a looonnnggg time......footie pj's for Ty...and at a decent price as well!!! I squealed so loud when I saw them!!! I picked up a pair for him, and i'm hoping to go back and get him at least 2 more pairs. When we left there we went to Walmart and I got Chase a pair of sweatpants and went looking for swimming trunks for Ty. (I was at a different Walmart than we normally shop and they sometimes have a different selection...and higher prices!! ) I saw some super cute Spongebob trunks, which were marked $6. I picked up a few other things and went to check out. Well, when the lady was ringing up my things, she scanned the trunks and said "Oh, you got a great deal on those!!" and I said "yeah, $6 is really cheap..." and she said "No, they rang up $4!!" I was so excited!!! I'm sooo glad I held off on buying him new swimming trunks!! Now I need to get pics of him in his new trunks and his footies!!! Oh, and to add to the fun blondness for the day, when Chase and I got back from shopping I got him out and locked the van then closed my door....with the keys still in it!! I had to call Z to come get the van unlocked and to let us in the house. Once again.....

The main reason I got him new trunks now is because we have company coming down and they are going to get a hotel that has a pool so Ty and Chase can swim. He's really excited about it!!!

Heartbroken

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I have to do this post. *sigh*

Licorice passed away today. Losing two dogs in the span of 9 months is so damn hard. I do find some comfort in the fact that she is once again with her sister Honey and i'm sure my mom is throwing the tennis ball for her.......


Licorice A.K.A. Licky 01.17.2001 - 09.09.2011




Rest easy, my sweet girl....