Monday, January 21, 2013

2 weeks

It's now been two weeks since Zane went Home. Things seem to be going "ok". Tyler has had break downs from time to time, and still wakes up scared that someone is going to break into the house. Chase is still trying to understand. He says daddy is up in Heaven, but sometimes asks when he will be home. Me, i've been handling it the best I can. Some days are harder than others. I still keep waiting for him to walk through the front door and say "Honey i'm home and I had a hard day!" and come up and kiss me. I miss him laying up against me at night, keeping me warm. I even miss him "poking" me throughout the night. I miss holding his thumb.....for some reason that was my security. I miss his smell. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing "I love you" more than anything. I hear it from the boys every single day, and I love them more than life ifself. And I know friends and family love me, but it's just not the same....if that makes sense?!? I don't cry as often as I feel I should, but that is because of the Xanax. I know I won't need it for ever and don't want to take it forever, but right now it is the only thing keeping me sane....and keeping me from harming myself, to be honest.

Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.

Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will  help us get into the home we want. I  know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.