I got Zanes death certificate today. I read over it a few times. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I kind of went numb. I also had Chase talking to me, which was a much needed distraction. Now I can get some things taken care of that I needed the certificate for.
I could so use a hug right now.......and to not be let go..........
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Missing
I didn't really know what to title this post. Today I ordered Zanes death certificate. Why did I have to do that? Why did my husband have to die? Why do I get to miss out on playing with our grandchildren together? Why do I get to miss out on growing old with my husband?
A huge part of my life is missing. Some days the ache in my heart is so bad I want my heart to just stop beating. People say the pain will get less and less and things will get better over time, and I know they mean well, but that's not helping me now. Nothing is easing the pain. I lose my temper way too much with the boys. All I want to do is lay in the bedroom, and at the same time I want to never go in that bedroom again. Too many painful memories. I want so badly to get the boys out of this house so they can have some sort of normal life. They desevre to feel safe, and to be able to play outside and they deserve bedrooms of their own. Tyler can't have friends over because of where we live and the fact that he doesn't have a room to play in with a friend. But thanks to my credit, no one will finance me and everything I have found to rent we can't afford. All Zane ever talked about was getting our forever home, and I can't even do that. And to be honest, I don't care anymore. Dishes have piled up again....laundry is a mess, mainly because I really don't have a place to put it away. Tyler has to dig through a laundry basket to get clothes for school, because his dresser is still packed away. Both boys are always losing clothes because they are scattered all over. The boys deserve so much better......
I miss so many things. I miss being held. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss gentle kisses. I miss holding Zanes thumb, as to me that was my "security". I miss holding hands while driving or walking. I miss knowing someone loved and cared for me so much. I miss laying up against someone at night. I miss just knowing someone is there for me. I miss being happy. I miss...being me.
A huge part of my life is missing. Some days the ache in my heart is so bad I want my heart to just stop beating. People say the pain will get less and less and things will get better over time, and I know they mean well, but that's not helping me now. Nothing is easing the pain. I lose my temper way too much with the boys. All I want to do is lay in the bedroom, and at the same time I want to never go in that bedroom again. Too many painful memories. I want so badly to get the boys out of this house so they can have some sort of normal life. They desevre to feel safe, and to be able to play outside and they deserve bedrooms of their own. Tyler can't have friends over because of where we live and the fact that he doesn't have a room to play in with a friend. But thanks to my credit, no one will finance me and everything I have found to rent we can't afford. All Zane ever talked about was getting our forever home, and I can't even do that. And to be honest, I don't care anymore. Dishes have piled up again....laundry is a mess, mainly because I really don't have a place to put it away. Tyler has to dig through a laundry basket to get clothes for school, because his dresser is still packed away. Both boys are always losing clothes because they are scattered all over. The boys deserve so much better......
I miss so many things. I miss being held. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss gentle kisses. I miss holding Zanes thumb, as to me that was my "security". I miss holding hands while driving or walking. I miss knowing someone loved and cared for me so much. I miss laying up against someone at night. I miss just knowing someone is there for me. I miss being happy. I miss...being me.
Monday, January 21, 2013
2 weeks
It's now been two weeks since Zane went Home. Things seem to be going "ok". Tyler has had break downs from time to time, and still wakes up scared that someone is going to break into the house. Chase is still trying to understand. He says daddy is up in Heaven, but sometimes asks when he will be home. Me, i've been handling it the best I can. Some days are harder than others. I still keep waiting for him to walk through the front door and say "Honey i'm home and I had a hard day!" and come up and kiss me. I miss him laying up against me at night, keeping me warm. I even miss him "poking" me throughout the night. I miss holding his thumb.....for some reason that was my security. I miss his smell. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing "I love you" more than anything. I hear it from the boys every single day, and I love them more than life ifself. And I know friends and family love me, but it's just not the same....if that makes sense?!? I don't cry as often as I feel I should, but that is because of the Xanax. I know I won't need it for ever and don't want to take it forever, but right now it is the only thing keeping me sane....and keeping me from harming myself, to be honest.
Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.
Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will help us get into the home we want. I know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.
Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.
Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will help us get into the home we want. I know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)