Friday, April 22, 2011


He is home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Some great news!

Finally heard from Zane and he has gone to the bathroom (#2) twice now (they were waiting for that or for him to pass gas) and has actually eaten some real food!! He did get really bloated so they took him early this morning for more xrays and everything was just fine. They also told him he may get to come home either tonight or tomorrow!!!!!

I don't want to sound like a bitch or ungrateful, but I am a little worried about him coming home. God knows it's what i've been waiting for, but at the same time i'm really hoping they aren't rushing him out of the hospital too soon. (flash backs from when mom was in the hospital and they rushed her out and into a rehab place....and we know how that turned out :() I will obviously take care of him and make sure he rests and continues to heal, but it still worries me. Photobucket

Well, I need to quit farting around and get some things done around here.......will update as I hear more!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Truly amazed....

And very thankful that Tyler has such an amzing and caring teacher. She called this afternoon and said that she saw Zane had made an appointment for a teacher conference for tomorrow and that she understands all that is going on and that I didn't need to keep the appointment. She said Tyler is doing wonderfully and will make an excellent 2nd grader. She also said if I still wanted to make the appointment I was more than welcome to come up, but it really wasn't necessary.

I am so very proud of my boy, and so thankful that we are surrounded by such amaing, caring people.

Wow, wow, wow!

The past two days have been AMAZING for freebies!! Yesterday I got:

- Brew Over Ice tumbler from Kuerig (VERY nice!)
- free mini photo book from MyPublisher
- Clean perfume sample (2)/Facebook
- chocolate sample from Kudzu (melted :()
- Bzzagent kit for Children's Claritin (didn't get a pic of that...)
- $3 paypal/Pinecone

I'm sure there is more I am skipping, as the mailbox was PACKED!!

Today was just as awesome!

- Orville Pop up bowl popcorn (walmart)
- Flask with my initials (Coppenhagen)
- Red Gold apron (2)
- Glade coupon for free spring collection product/Facebook
$3 Paypal/Pinecone (I did two surveys for them in one day and only got one payment, but Karen was right on top of it for me!)

Also got my kit from My Get Together today from FedEx. Ohh, and yesterday I received some copy paper I ordered....I got 3 packs of 500 sheets for .55!!

All of these goodies coming in are such a blessing right now.....just the distraction I needed :)

Surprise from FedEx today

I had totally forgotten about signing up for a Host Party from My Get Together, and FedEx brought the box today! It came with 3 bags of the new Hershey's Drops candies, a container of Hershey's Cocoa, a tshirt, a cute gym bag and a $10 Visa gift card!!!

A great pick-me up that I really needed........

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Finally got news...

Zane called and told me he talked with the surgeon and he said they can treat him with a pill! He said everything looked good and that was the course they decided on, and that the doctor who would be working with him with the pill would be in later tonight to talk with him. Well, when he was telling me this the doctor had walked in. He called me back and said the type of cancer he had is very rare and the nodules on his intestine were the tumor spawning off, which means it was spreading. :( The doctor said the pill he will be taking should stop them from growing, and he has several patients or have been on that pill for years and years and live normal lives. He does have to have a CT scan possibly once a year to make sure they don't grow anymore. He also told Zane he can go back to doing the type of work he was doing once he heals from surgery...basically everything would just go back to normal. He may have some issues like he had before they found out what was wrong (the pain in his right side) but other than that everything should be good.

I am SO relieved to hear all of chemo or radiation! Now to worry about how we will make it without any income coming in for 4-6 weeks.

Today's visit!

I have got to say, I am so proud of Zane. He walked the whole length of the hall this morning!! He is still hurting, especially when he coughs. I feel so bad for him. :( I got him some cough drops to see if they would help. They did start him on clear fluids, which he is SO grateful for! He ate an italian ice thingie that he loved and has been sipping water. He said he felt a little bloated after eating the ice thing and didn't want to eat or drink much else. I am so hoping he is able to pass gas soon. He seems to be making real progress though, and I am so thankful for that.

I hate to say this, but I think today is our last visit up to the hospital. I'm going through so much gas and it costs to park at the hospital....and with no income coming in for awhile, that is not a good thing. Plus Chase is a major handful and I can tell it upsets Zane. I hate not seeing him until he comes home...hell I want to spend all day up there with him. :(

We are unfortunately still waiting on an update from the doctor about the biopsy results. I just knew that they would make us wait all day to find out anything........

Today is the day

We have been waiting for. Hopefully the doctors won't make us wait all freakin day to let us know what course of action we will be taking.........

SO I was texting back and forth with Zane last night and he apologized for getting sick. I told him that this is in NO way his fault, and if I ever made him feel that way at any time I was so very sorry. I also told him I am the one who should be apologizing to him, as I know I took him for granted for far too long and that I know I was wrong. It is so terrible that it takes something like this to make you realize what you have. I keep going through all the "what if's" and I hate that, too. I hate the things my mind keeps coming up with. :(

Once I find out something today I will be sure to update.........

**I just got a text from Zane saying they are letting him have clear fluids today!! (he can't have anything to eat or drink until he passes gas, which should hopefully be any day now.....)

Field trip day

Today Ty has a field trip to the Smoky Mountains and he is so excited!! He did make a comment yesterday about not being sure he should go since daddy couldn't come now, and I told him he really needed to go and have a great time. I'm so thankful that he is in, as that is really great to distract him from worrying about daddy and other things going on. I hate that he is worrying so much. :( Last week Zane bought Ty a disposable camera for his field trip (this was when we thought Zane was going with him) and Ty couldn't wait to use it!!! I'm just hoping they still let him take it, as they are not supposed to take anything that they have to bring back. He says he wants to take pics to show daddy.

I did go into the school this morning and talked with Ty's teacher and explained why Zane couldn't make it. (Ty told her yesterday that he couldn't come, but not why and he said she looked mad/upset that he couldn't make it) I also talked to a few of the ladies that are helpers in the classrooms and during lunch/recess time and told them what was going on. I think any extra support Tyler can get the better right now.......

Monday, April 18, 2011

Forgot to mention.....

Yesterday when we left the hospital and were walking towards the van I was looking for it in the parking lot.......well, when I saw it I could not believe what I was seeing. I left the side door to the van open the whole time we were at the hospital!!!! Photobucket

Yeah, i'm just a tiny bit scatter brained at the moment..........Photobucket

Today's visit....

Ugh, it was not a good one. Don't get me wrong, Zane is still doing great! He looked and sounded so much better. When we got there the nurse was in the room getting him ready to get up and walk in the hall. She didn't speak or even smile at us, and I know for a fact Tyler spoke to her. In fact, she looked annoyed that we were there. We waited in the room while he walked, and when he came back he asked if he could have a rocking chair. (they told him last night that would be good for him) She brought him a rocking chair and told him she would put a pillow on the chair because it wasn't very comfy and I laughed and said "Yeah, most rocking chairs aren't very comfy, huh?" and she looked at me with not a tiny bit of smile then looked away. Then she stripped down his bed and asked Z if he needed anything else. After she left Chase started getting fussy and before I knew it it was an all out scream tantrum. I felt so bad for Zane and the other patients, so I told Zane I would just take the boys and go because he was actually starting to get short tempered with Tyler and I didn't need Zane upset. We walked out of the room and I was in tears. I am having the hardest time keeping it together and trying to take care of the boys on my own. I decided to try and walk Chase in the hall for awhile (away from the rooms) and he screamed and cried for 4-5 minutes. He finally started to settle and I was hoping he was going to fall asleep for me, but no luck. After walking for 20-25 minutes Tyler said he needed to go potty so I took him back to Zanes room. When he was done he came back out and said he wanted to go in with daddy, so we all went back in. Chase did ok for a bit, but then he got fussy and Zane said to just let him walk around. He was ok, but they both kept getting loud. It was starting to bother Zane, because he was really fussing at Tyler and then snapped at me. So after a bit I just got th eboys stuff together and told Zane we wouldn't be going back up there until he was being released. I hate not seeing him and him not seeing the boys until he is home but I know he understands. Not having any help here is really taking its toll on me, and I hate that am snapping at the boys. Between worrying about Zane and money, i'm taking it out on them and I feel terrible. :( I also noticed when I was out in the hall with the boys I could once again feel my heart beating in my chest......bleh!

More progress!

Spoke with Zane today, and he said the doctors came in sometime after 4am and took his bandage off. They said the incision looks really good and they are keeping the bandage off. They also said they want him up and walking more today, and Zane told me he was up several times last night, by himself, to pee. I am so very proud of him!! He did say that they tried to get blood out of him last night and the first nurse hurt him so bad he made her leave the room. She stuck the needle in his arm and was moving it all over the place trying to get the vein. Zane said he got really dizzy and felt pukey so he made her stop. She then tried to stick the top of his hand and he told her that was enough and that she had to leave. A little bit later she came back in and he told her she was not sticking him again. Finally a different nurse came in and they got some blood from his wrist. I felt so bad for him.

I was doing so well with holding it together until he started telling me I needed to make sure I was getting enough rest and was not worrying so much.......I just lost it. And I hate doing that because that just makes him worry about me more, and with all he has going on he does not need to worry about me. I didn't mention to him about my pressure possibly being out of whack and I don't plan to, but I did let him know I had called in a prescription for my meds since i'm almost out of one of them. I also asked him if he knew where we had put the blood pressure machine we have and when he asked why I wanted it i told him it would just be nice to have in case we need it when he comes home. (I did stop at the gorcery store on the way from taking Tyler to school to check my pressure and it was I need to figure out what I can do to get it back down :()

I'm thinking about possibly getting Tyler a little early today from school and going up to see Zane. I want so badly to see him...........

Too quiet

Last night was another rough one. When the boys are asleep and it's quiet is the worst. My mind just won't shut off. My heart aches so bad with Zane not here. I try so hard during the day to hold it all together for the boys, but it's becoming harder and harder to do that. I just feel so lost and alone. And I try to hold it together when I visit or talk to Zane, because the last thing he needs right now is to worry about me, but even that is becoming difficult. Chase has been extra fussy, and i've caught myself snipping at him more and more, as well as Tyler. But they both know something is up and that daddy isn't home so of course they are going to "act up". Chase screamed and cried during dinner last night and I just picked him up and put him to bed, and he actually fell asleep. He woke up right before Tyler and I went to bed but he ended up going right back to sleep after we layed down with him. Tyler tries to act like it's all ok, but I can see the worry and fear in his eyes. I've been hugging him and telling him I love him even more, and just reassuring him things will be ok. But I feel like it's a huge lie. How are things going to be ok with no income coming in? How will we pay the rent and bills? *sigh* I could really use a hug and to have someone tell me things will be ok. Just to have someone else here to talk to face to face. Don't get me wrong, talking on the phone and online has helped tremendously......but I need someone physically here.

I noticed last night I could feel my heart beating in my chest when I was watching a movie with Tyler and I felt it again when I went to bed. (not that I slept) I've been making sure i've been taking my meds, but of course I worry with all the stress and fear that my pressure will go out of whack......I also wonder if not eating much is causing it?!? I'm going to look for my pressure machine when I get back from taking Tyler to school. Ugh, I dread taking's hard to explain, but I need to have him (and Chase) with me. I need to have him (and Chase) close. But school is SO important obviously. Today is going to be so rough, especially when Chase takes his nap.

I apologize if this post is rambling........I think lack of sleep and constant worry are starting to catch up to me........

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Spoke to Zane this evening......

He sounded kind of sleepy, but it was so good to hear his voice. He said he ended up falling asleep after the boys and I left and was in the chair until 1:30! They finally came in and put him back into bed where he ended up going back to sleep. I am so glad he is resting so good. They did get him up and had him walking in the hall, but he got really dizzy and felt pukey so they took him back to the room. He keeps telling me not to worry about things and not get stressed out because he is worried about me being alone and having to do everything, and I told him he better not worry about me and that I was just fine. He said he knew better and was hoping we could find someone who can come and help us. I did tell him I was trying my best and that things would work out and he told me he loved me and missed me and the boys. *sigh* I can't wait to have that man home with us........

Saw Zane today!!

This morning when my phone rang and I saw it said "Z" my heart leaped!!! It was SO good to hear his voice again. He sounded so upbeat and good. He said they had to change his pain meds last night to something stronger and it was working really well. He got some decent rest, thank goodness. We talked for a bit and I tried my darndest not to break down but just hearing his voice got me choked up. I asked if it was ok if I brought the boys up and he said of course!! So we got ready and left. When we got there he seemed to be in a decent mood.....he wasn't hurting and I think he was just so glad to see the boys. He was his usual pervert self, trying to get me to look up the gown he was wearing. Photobucket I didn't realize just how much I missed his perviness. LOL After a bit one of the nurses came in and said they were going to let Zane change into his regular clothes and get him to try and walk a little. Well the boys and I left the room so they could get things ready and after awhile the nurse said we could go back into the room. We thought we were going to walk with him in the hall, but when we got into the room he was sitting in a chair. He said when he sat up he had to page the nurse because he thought he was going to pass out. Then when the nurse got there he got sick. :( I felt so bad for him. They gave him a "bath" before he got dressed and once he was done they had him sit in a chair in the room. He was hurting a little, but was doing ok. Poor guy hasn't had anything to eat or drink since Friday afternoon. They say he can have something to eat and drink once he passes gas. (they want to make sure his intestines are working good) I told Zane as much gas as he passes that shouldn't be a problem! Photobucket But his mouth is so dry. Hopefully he'll be able to have something soon. And it was so nice to see him in clothes and not that hospital gown.........

After a little bit Chase was getting so cranky and fussy so i took both boys down to get lunch. After they ate I went back up to the room and Chase did nothing but whine and fuss because he was sleepy. I hated to leave, but I didn't want Chase to bother the other patients or to upset Zane (even though he said he wasn't bothered at all) so we left. I broke down again when we said our goodbyes and was still crying when I walked out of the room. I did take Zane a pic of the boys and he appreciated that alot, I think. I just hate being home without him here....hopefully he'll be home by this time next week.

Too much.....

Last week Z had been complaining about his left side hurting. He finally got in to see the doctor on Friday and he sent him to the ER because he said it was appendicitis. After hours of waiting to have a CT scan done (or a CAT scan....the past few days have been a blur and I don't remember every little thing) they found he had a tumor near his intestines/bladder. They scheduled surgery for the next day. The boys and I got to the hospital yesterday morning and spent some time with him before his surgery. It was supposed to be at 10am, but they had a trauma come in and he got bumped. Chase was getting fussy so I told Z we would walk around for about an hour and if they still didn't do his surgery we would go home and come back later. We no sooner got downstairs when he called and said they had JUST come to get him! (I knew I should have went downstairs earlier!) So the boys and I went to the second floor, which is where the surgery waiting room is. We had just started towards the room when Ty said "Hey daddy!" and I turned around and there was Z, getting ready to head to surgery. I hated for the boys to see him like that.......I wish we would have gotten to the waiting room sooner. :( The man that wheeled him down said "I figured you all would want to say goodbye..." Hmmm, nice. Well, Ty hugged him and Z told him he loved him, then Chase stuck his foot out for daddy to grab (Z was laying on the stretcher and Chase was in his stroller. I leaned in to kiss him and I could see the tears in his eyes.....I started to get choked up as well and he said he loved me and I told him I loved him and that everything would be just fine. The waiting was hell. After 2.5 hours the doctor finally came in and asked if I wanted to go into a different room to talk....right then I knew something was seriously wrong because the other doctors talked to the people right in the waiting room. It was what we all feared...cancer. He did say they got all of the tumor, plus some of the intestine which he said wasn't a big deal as it was fine and would still function. He said depending on the type of cancer it is will depend on the treatment. If it is one kind (which they seem to think it is, but I have a feeling it wont be...) they can treat it with a pill. If it's the other, then he will need to do chemo and radiation. They sent the tumor and samples off to the lab to be tested, and we should know something by Tuesday. He will be in the hostpial for at least 5-7 days, and possibly out of work for 4-6 weeks. I am terrified. Not only of what could happen, but the fact that we will have no income coming in for that period of time. No way to pay any bills or get groceries. I am trying so hard to stay strong for the boys, but it is getting harder and harder to do that. I feel so alone, and I know I need someone else hear to help, but everyone is so far away and they have their own things to deal with. I just don't know where to turn for help as far as having someone else here. But I need someone. Photobucket

When he finally got back to the room we were waiting for him. He was pretty much out of it. Once they got him settled they left and he held up his hand for me to hold. He grabbed it and held it tight. He then said "Well?" and I asked if he had talked to the doctor and he said no. So I had to tell him he has cancer. That was by far one of the hardest things for me to have to do. After I told him what the doctor told me I said "You better fight this as hard as you can. I lost my mother to this, I can not lose you..." He said he was going to fight it because he couldn't lose the boys or me. I pretty much lost it. He was hurting so I paged the nurse for him and they came in and gave him some morphine. I told him we would just leave so he could get some good rest and he didn't seem to want us to leave. But Chase was super fussy and we had been there all day so they both were ready to go. He asked Ty to come over to him and he told him to be a good boy and help as much as he could. Then I brought Chase over to say goodbye and next thing you know Ty took off with him in the stroller. Z asked me to lean in and he kissed me and told me he loved me and once again the tears came. I told him I loved him too and that we would get through this. He told me several times he loved me before I left the room. Once I got out of the room I started to lose it, but then I saw Ty and Chase and had to pull myself together again. Ty had a weird look on his face and he said "I started to cry a little.....but i'm ok now!" And I told him it was perfectly fine to cry. I've been trying so hard to hold it all in when the boys are around, but it honestly getting harder and harder. This house is so empty.....I keep waiting to hear Z cough or see him come walking out of the bedroom or bathroom like he does in the mornings. And last night I had a bad dream (and it wasn't about all that is going on, surpringly!) and when I woke up I was shaking inside so I turned over to snuggle up to Z and he wasn't there. I did snuggle up with Chase for a few minutes, though. I am so glad I have Z's ring still. It was and has been a HUGE comfort to me. These next days without him home are going to be SO long and drag.........

I apologize for not knowing all the technical words...they did tell me what kind of tumor it was, but when he said malignant I zoned out. A little over three years ago we went through this with my mother and all of that came flooding back, on top of worrying about Z. So much worry.......

I will update as I find out more, especially once we hear something on Tuesday.

I also want to thank everyone who has been following this on Facebook for their thoughts and prayers. They are all so very much appreciated.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Spring Fling!!

Ok, so I am a week late posting this......Photobucket I swear time gets away from me!!! Anyhoo, last Friday Ty's school had Spring Fling, which is like the Winterfest they had last year. It was SO much nicer this year because they had it outside!! There was so much more space and everyone was crowded into small hallways and in the gym. It was just perfect!! The only thing I didn't care for was they didn't sell the wrist bands this year, just tickets. (the wrist bands let you do all the games and blow up jumping things as many times as you wanted) We got to the school a little early so we let the boys play on the playground:

I didn't get any pics of Ty because he took off with his friends! Finally they let the kids get on the "rides". They had two big blow up things for the kids to play was like an obstacle course and the other was a huge castle that had a slide on it. Ty had a blast jumping in the castle!!

And of course, he loved coming down the slide......

Then we went to the face painting!!

After the face painting Ty wanted to get his hair painted........

Yes, that is Chase in the background getting his done.....

After the hair fun, Ty was hungry again. (he had eaten pizza after jumping in the castle) Enjoying nachos!!!

Ty did some other games, like digging in the sand (he won a silly band) and a duck pond game, plus colored an egg!! All in all everyone had a great time. After almost 2 hours Chase was ready to go so we decided to call it a night....

Friday, April 8, 2011

As of tomorrow.....

It will be a week since Chase had a bottle!!! Photobucket I am SO proud of him! I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough process, but I can totally see a huge change in him already...he is eating alot more, which is a great thing. Before, he would choose a bottle over eating anything and I was worried he wasn't getting enough to eat. I felt bad not letting him have a bottle when he was so sick last weekend, but at the same time it was perfect timing because milk would have messed with his belly. Hopefully this summer we can start working on potty baby is growing up! Photobucket

Monday, April 4, 2011

Glad the weekend is over....

Wow, never thought I would say that!! We had such a rough weekend here. On Friday, when i got home from picking Ty up at school Z was home, so we got things together and went out to get some of running done. We went to Food City and then to a local store near us and picked up some groceries. When we were at Cash Saver, Chase hurt his finger in the cart and went to crying, but he just kept going and going.....even his bottle didn't soothe him! When we left he was slightly calmer, but still fussing. We decided to head back home to put the frozen foods away and then head back out to get dinner. Z and Chase stayed in the van while Ty and I brought in the groceries. After I got things put away we headed back out. We finally decided what to have for dinner, and were heading that way when Chase went to crying again. He really sounded like he was hurting, but his finger that he hurt at the store looked fine and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. (he didn't even holler "BU!!" when he saw a bunch of school buses, so I KNEW something was wrong :() He finally took his bottle and seemed to be settling down when all of the sudden he made a coughing sound and when I turned around he was getting sick. Poor baby was having a hard time catching his breath and when he could he started crying SO hard. :( Z pulled off the road and we were both trying our best to clean him up and comfort him. (stupid mommy forgot to pack any baby wipes and a change of clothes) He was crying and just plain miserable. We decided to just turn around and go back home. (obviously! LOL) Thank goodness we were still close to home!!! Z took his whole car seat out and brought it into the bathroom for me and I gave him a quick, warm bath. We then got him dressed and Z cuddled him just about all night long. He did get sick two more times, and I felt so bad for him. He also spiked a fever of 102.3, but the Tylenol quickly brought it down and kept it low. By Saturday he seemed a little better, just really run down looking and pale. We pumped him full of fluids, which he actually loved as that's all he really wanted. By late afternoon he seemed much better so decided to head out and finish up our running. We weren't gone long, and by the time we were heading home he was fussing again. :( He did god when we were home though, and slept fairly well Saturday night. Yesterday morning he woke up and seemed ok, but then ended up getting sick 3 times. :( He wanted nothing but to be cuddled up with daddy most of the day, so that is where he stayed. He hasn't had a fever anymore, but still looks a little pale and hasn't eaten much....which is fine because he is still drinking like a little fish! He has moments where he wants to play, then will quickly want his blankie and want to either be held or lay in his Elmo sofa.
Poor kiddo....I tried to sneak a pic but as soon as he saw me he smiled. One good thing to come of this weekend is, we are breaking him of the bottle!!! He was drinking a bottle Friday when he got sick the first time, and with his belly being sensitive we didn't want him to have anymore milk so we didn't offer a bottle until super early Saturday and that was only a tiny bit. As of today he hasn't had a bottle since sometime early Saturday!!! He has asked for it a few times, but for the most part we distract him and he is fine. Photobucket I am so proud of him, but at the same time it just proves he is growing up.......the only "baby" thing left will be diapers.......*sigh*