Z CT scan update

Z saw the cancer doctor today to find out the results of the CT scan he had last week. The doctor increased his cancer meds, and he'll have to have another CT scan done in 3-4 months. (he'll need repeat CT scans to keep track of the growth of the tumors left) They also said that was his first CT scan since his surgery, so they don't know if the tumors have grown any with nothing to compare it to. BUT.....he had a CT scan done in the hospital after his surgery, before he was released!!! Ummm, can't they use that scan to compare to last weeks scan?!? Oh, and he now has a hernia from the surgery that was done, and will most likely need surgery to correct it.

And.....

He is home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some great news!

Finally heard from Zane and he has gone to the bathroom (#2) twice now (they were waiting for that or for him to pass gas) and has actually eaten some real food!! He did get really bloated so they took him early this morning for more xrays and everything was just fine. They also told him he may get to come home either tonight or tomorrow!!!!!

I don't want to sound like a bitch or ungrateful, but I am a little worried about him coming home. God knows it's what i've been waiting for, but at the same time i'm really hoping they aren't rushing him out of the hospital too soon. (flash backs from when mom was in the hospital and they rushed her out and into a rehab place....and we know how that turned out :() I will obviously take care of him and make sure he rests and continues to heal, but it still worries me.

Well, I need to quit farting around and get some things done around here.......will update as I hear more!!!

Finally got news...

Zane called and told me he talked with the surgeon and he said they can treat him with a pill! He said everything looked good and that was the course they decided on, and that the doctor who would be working with him with the pill would be in later tonight to talk with him. Well, when he was telling me this the doctor had walked in. He called me back and said the type of cancer he had is very rare and the nodules on his intestine were the tumor spawning off, which means it was spreading. :( The doctor said the pill he will be taking should stop them from growing, and he has several patients or have been on that pill for years and years and live normal lives. He does have to have a CT scan possibly once a year to make sure they don't grow anymore. He also told Zane he can go back to doing the type of work he was doing once he heals from surgery...basically everything would just go back to normal. He may have some issues like he had before they found out what was wrong (the pain in his right side) but other than that everything should be good.

I am SO relieved to hear all of that.....no chemo or radiation! Now to worry about how we will make it without any income coming in for 4-6 weeks.

Today's visit!

I have got to say, I am so proud of Zane. He walked the whole length of the hall this morning!! He is still hurting, especially when he coughs. I feel so bad for him. :( I got him some cough drops to see if they would help. They did start him on clear fluids, which he is SO grateful for! He ate an italian ice thingie that he loved and has been sipping water. He said he felt a little bloated after eating the ice thing and didn't want to eat or drink much else. I am so hoping he is able to pass gas soon. He seems to be making real progress though, and I am so thankful for that.

I hate to say this, but I think today is our last visit up to the hospital. I'm going through so much gas and it costs to park at the hospital....and with no income coming in for awhile, that is not a good thing. Plus Chase is a major handful and I can tell it upsets Zane. I hate not seeing him until he comes home...hell I want to spend all day up there with him. :(

We are unfortunately still waiting on an update from the doctor about the biopsy results. I just knew that they would make us wait all day to find out anything........

Today is the day

We have been waiting for. Hopefully the doctors won't make us wait all freakin day to let us know what course of action we will be taking.........

SO I was texting back and forth with Zane last night and he apologized for getting sick. I told him that this is in NO way his fault, and if I ever made him feel that way at any time I was so very sorry. I also told him I am the one who should be apologizing to him, as I know I took him for granted for far too long and that I know I was wrong. It is so terrible that it takes something like this to make you realize what you have. I keep going through all the "what if's" and I hate that, too. I hate the things my mind keeps coming up with. :(

Once I find out something today I will be sure to update.........

**I just got a text from Zane saying they are letting him have clear fluids today!! (he can't have anything to eat or drink until he passes gas, which should hopefully be any day now.....)

Today's visit....

Ugh, it was not a good one. Don't get me wrong, Zane is still doing great! He looked and sounded so much better. When we got there the nurse was in the room getting him ready to get up and walk in the hall. She didn't speak or even smile at us, and I know for a fact Tyler spoke to her. In fact, she looked annoyed that we were there. We waited in the room while he walked, and when he came back he asked if he could have a rocking chair. (they told him last night that would be good for him) She brought him a rocking chair and told him she would put a pillow on the chair because it wasn't very comfy and I laughed and said "Yeah, most rocking chairs aren't very comfy, huh?" and she looked at me with not a tiny bit of smile then looked away. Then she stripped down his bed and asked Z if he needed anything else. After she left Chase started getting fussy and before I knew it it was an all out scream tantrum. I felt so bad for Zane and the other patients, so I told Zane I would just take the boys and go because he was actually starting to get short tempered with Tyler and I didn't need Zane upset. We walked out of the room and I was in tears. I am having the hardest time keeping it together and trying to take care of the boys on my own. I decided to try and walk Chase in the hall for awhile (away from the rooms) and he screamed and cried for 4-5 minutes. He finally started to settle and I was hoping he was going to fall asleep for me, but no luck. After walking for 20-25 minutes Tyler said he needed to go potty so I took him back to Zanes room. When he was done he came back out and said he wanted to go in with daddy, so we all went back in. Chase did ok for a bit, but then he got fussy and Zane said to just let him walk around. He was ok, but they both kept getting loud. It was starting to bother Zane, because he was really fussing at Tyler and then snapped at me. So after a bit I just got th eboys stuff together and told Zane we wouldn't be going back up there until he was being released. I hate not seeing him and him not seeing the boys until he is home but I know he understands. Not having any help here is really taking its toll on me, and I hate that am snapping at the boys. Between worrying about Zane and money, i'm taking it out on them and I feel terrible. :( I also noticed when I was out in the hall with the boys I could once again feel my heart beating in my chest......bleh!

More progress!

Spoke with Zane today, and he said the doctors came in sometime after 4am and took his bandage off. They said the incision looks really good and they are keeping the bandage off. They also said they want him up and walking more today, and Zane told me he was up several times last night, by himself, to pee. I am so very proud of him!! He did say that they tried to get blood out of him last night and the first nurse hurt him so bad he made her leave the room. She stuck the needle in his arm and was moving it all over the place trying to get the vein. Zane said he got really dizzy and felt pukey so he made her stop. She then tried to stick the top of his hand and he told her that was enough and that she had to leave. A little bit later she came back in and he told her she was not sticking him again. Finally a different nurse came in and they got some blood from his wrist. I felt so bad for him.

I was doing so well with holding it together until he started telling me I needed to make sure I was getting enough rest and was not worrying so much.......I just lost it. And I hate doing that because that just makes him worry about me more, and with all he has going on he does not need to worry about me. I didn't mention to him about my pressure possibly being out of whack and I don't plan to, but I did let him know I had called in a prescription for my meds since i'm almost out of one of them. I also asked him if he knew where we had put the blood pressure machine we have and when he asked why I wanted it i told him it would just be nice to have in case we need it when he comes home. (I did stop at the gorcery store on the way from taking Tyler to school to check my pressure and it was up....now I need to figure out what I can do to get it back down :()

I'm thinking about possibly getting Tyler a little early today from school and going up to see Zane. I want so badly to see him...........

Spoke to Zane this evening......

He sounded kind of sleepy, but it was so good to hear his voice. He said he ended up falling asleep after the boys and I left and was in the chair until 1:30! They finally came in and put him back into bed where he ended up going back to sleep. I am so glad he is resting so good. They did get him up and had him walking in the hall, but he got really dizzy and felt pukey so they took him back to the room. He keeps telling me not to worry about things and not get stressed out because he is worried about me being alone and having to do everything, and I told him he better not worry about me and that I was just fine. He said he knew better and was hoping we could find someone who can come and help us. I did tell him I was trying my best and that things would work out and he told me he loved me and missed me and the boys. *sigh* I can't wait to have that man home with us........

Saw Zane today!!

This morning when my phone rang and I saw it said "Z" my heart leaped!!! It was SO good to hear his voice again. He sounded so upbeat and good. He said they had to change his pain meds last night to something stronger and it was working really well. He got some decent rest, thank goodness. We talked for a bit and I tried my darndest not to break down but just hearing his voice got me choked up. I asked if it was ok if I brought the boys up and he said of course!! So we got ready and left. When we got there he seemed to be in a decent mood.....he wasn't hurting and I think he was just so glad to see the boys. He was his usual pervert self, trying to get me to look up the gown he was wearing. I didn't realize just how much I missed his perviness. LOL After a bit one of the nurses came in and said they were going to let Zane change into his regular clothes and get him to try and walk a little. Well the boys and I left the room so they could get things ready and after awhile the nurse said we could go back into the room. We thought we were going to walk with him in the hall, but when we got into the room he was sitting in a chair. He said when he sat up he had to page the nurse because he thought he was going to pass out. Then when the nurse got there he got sick. :( I felt so bad for him. They gave him a "bath" before he got dressed and once he was done they had him sit in a chair in the room. He was hurting a little, but was doing ok. Poor guy hasn't had anything to eat or drink since Friday afternoon. They say he can have something to eat and drink once he passes gas. (they want to make sure his intestines are working good) I told Zane as much gas as he passes that shouldn't be a problem! But his mouth is so dry. Hopefully he'll be able to have something soon. And it was so nice to see him in clothes and not that hospital gown.........

After a little bit Chase was getting so cranky and fussy so i took both boys down to get lunch. After they ate I went back up to the room and Chase did nothing but whine and fuss because he was sleepy. I hated to leave, but I didn't want Chase to bother the other patients or to upset Zane (even though he said he wasn't bothered at all) so we left. I broke down again when we said our goodbyes and was still crying when I walked out of the room. I did take Zane a pic of the boys and he appreciated that alot, I think. I just hate being home without him here....hopefully he'll be home by this time next week.

Too much.....

Last week Z had been complaining about his left side hurting. He finally got in to see the doctor on Friday and he sent him to the ER because he said it was appendicitis. After hours of waiting to have a CT scan done (or a CAT scan....the past few days have been a blur and I don't remember every little thing) they found he had a tumor near his intestines/bladder. They scheduled surgery for the next day. The boys and I got to the hospital yesterday morning and spent some time with him before his surgery. It was supposed to be at 10am, but they had a trauma come in and he got bumped. Chase was getting fussy so I told Z we would walk around for about an hour and if they still didn't do his surgery we would go home and come back later. We no sooner got downstairs when he called and said they had JUST come to get him! (I knew I should have went downstairs earlier!) So the boys and I went to the second floor, which is where the surgery waiting room is. We had just started towards the room when Ty said "Hey daddy!" and I turned around and there was Z, getting ready to head to surgery. I hated for the boys to see him like that.......I wish we would have gotten to the waiting room sooner. :( The man that wheeled him down said "I figured you all would want to say goodbye..." Hmmm, nice. Well, Ty hugged him and Z told him he loved him, then Chase stuck his foot out for daddy to grab (Z was laying on the stretcher and Chase was in his stroller. I leaned in to kiss him and I could see the tears in his eyes.....I started to get choked up as well and he said he loved me and I told him I loved him and that everything would be just fine. The waiting was hell. After 2.5 hours the doctor finally came in and asked if I wanted to go into a different room to talk....right then I knew something was seriously wrong because the other doctors talked to the people right in the waiting room. It was what we all feared...cancer. He did say they got all of the tumor, plus some of the intestine which he said wasn't a big deal as it was fine and would still function. He said depending on the type of cancer it is will depend on the treatment. If it is one kind (which they seem to think it is, but I have a feeling it wont be...) they can treat it with a pill. If it's the other, then he will need to do chemo and radiation. They sent the tumor and samples off to the lab to be tested, and we should know something by Tuesday. He will be in the hostpial for at least 5-7 days, and possibly out of work for 4-6 weeks. I am terrified. Not only of what could happen, but the fact that we will have no income coming in for that period of time. No way to pay any bills or get groceries. I am trying so hard to stay strong for the boys, but it is getting harder and harder to do that. I feel so alone, and I know I need someone else hear to help, but everyone is so far away and they have their own things to deal with. I just don't know where to turn for help as far as having someone else here. But I need someone.

When he finally got back to the room we were waiting for him. He was pretty much out of it. Once they got him settled they left and he held up his hand for me to hold. He grabbed it and held it tight. He then said "Well?" and I asked if he had talked to the doctor and he said no. So I had to tell him he has cancer. That was by far one of the hardest things for me to have to do. After I told him what the doctor told me I said "You better fight this as hard as you can. I lost my mother to this, I can not lose you..." He said he was going to fight it because he couldn't lose the boys or me. I pretty much lost it. He was hurting so I paged the nurse for him and they came in and gave him some morphine. I told him we would just leave so he could get some good rest and he didn't seem to want us to leave. But Chase was super fussy and we had been there all day so they both were ready to go. He asked Ty to come over to him and he told him to be a good boy and help as much as he could. Then I brought Chase over to say goodbye and next thing you know Ty took off with him in the stroller. Z asked me to lean in and he kissed me and told me he loved me and once again the tears came. I told him I loved him too and that we would get through this. He told me several times he loved me before I left the room. Once I got out of the room I started to lose it, but then I saw Ty and Chase and had to pull myself together again. Ty had a weird look on his face and he said "I started to cry a little.....but i'm ok now!" And I told him it was perfectly fine to cry. I've been trying so hard to hold it all in when the boys are around, but it honestly getting harder and harder. This house is so empty.....I keep waiting to hear Z cough or see him come walking out of the bedroom or bathroom like he does in the mornings. And last night I had a bad dream (and it wasn't about all that is going on, surpringly!) and when I woke up I was shaking inside so I turned over to snuggle up to Z and he wasn't there. I did snuggle up with Chase for a few minutes, though. I am so glad I have Z's ring still. It was and has been a HUGE comfort to me. These next days without him home are going to be SO long and drag.........

I apologize for not knowing all the technical words...they did tell me what kind of tumor it was, but when he said malignant I zoned out. A little over three years ago we went through this with my mother and all of that came flooding back, on top of worrying about Z. So much worry.......

I will update as I find out more, especially once we hear something on Tuesday.

I also want to thank everyone who has been following this on Facebook for their thoughts and prayers. They are all so very much appreciated.

Recovery.....

It's so hard to believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I had my tonsils out! So far recovery has been good. That first week was ROUGH!!! I'm so thankful Z was around to help out. My sense of smell is SO strong now! And still some drinks taste a little off to me, but they are getting better. I can pretty much eat non-soft foods now, like crackers and doritos. (I ate a few doritos the other day and as long as I take small bites they don't hurt swallowing at all) I still can't "chug" anything I am drinking and need to take smaller sips. I learned that lesson the hard way the other day when I went to take a big drink of water......boy did that hurt!!! I did end up getting a cough which they say is common when you have your tonsils out. The ENT office told me to keep taking my pain medicine and it should help get rid of the cough......i'm not sure what that has to do with a cough, but i've been taking it and the cough is just about gone. (although I honestly think the cough was just getting better on it's own) My follow up appointment is November 1st and I can't wait! I want to ask him about my adenoids (why/how they disappeared)..........

Surgery update

I'm SO sorry it has taken so long to do a surgery update. Ugh, it has been kicking my butt!! We got to the hospital right around 6am and got all checked in. By 8am I was called back and things started rolling. While the anesthesiologist was explaining to me how things would go, the nurse put in the IV. It was so easy! After the IV was in, the gave me something they called "happy juice" and boy was that nice. :) Within a few minutes I was wheeled back into the operating room. I had to breath in some oxygen and then I heard someone say "Ok, let's get things rolling..." and I felt something cool go into my IV....next thing I knew I was waking up to someone asking me if I wanted a popsicle! It was only slightly uncomfortable, thank goodness. They put more oxygen on me, because apparently my oxygen levels wouldn't go up and stay up and that worried them. I did get something cool to drink, which was awesome........I just didn't want a popsicle, even though they asked me a dozen times if I wanted one! LOL The nurses were so awesome. They put me in a different recovery room to get my oxygen to go up, and they finally let Z and the boys come back to see me. Seeing them all made me feel SO much better. Z told me that he had taken the boys out to the van because they were getting antsy in the waiting room, and the doctor actually came out into the parking lot to talk to him and let him know how things went!! Can you believe that?!? How awesome!! He told Z that my right tonsil was really hard, and they had a tough time getting it out. I hardly bled at all, which was a good thing. They did send my tonsils to be tested just to be sure and i'll know how it goes when I go back on November 1st. Friday wasn't too bad once we got home, but it took me awhile to get the anesthesia out of my system. The pain meds they gave me are awesome, as they work SO fast since they are liquid, but they make me so drowsy and loopy. They said most patients have issues on day 2-5, and I did ok the weekend, but come Monday my throat was kicking my butt. I can't take the pain meds because I have to drive Ty back and forth to school, so poor Z has had to miss two days of work without pay. :( He has been AMAZING, though. I don't know how I would have made it these last few days without him. He has been such a big support for me and has REALLY picked up the slack around the house. Ty only has school tomorrow and he is off for Fall break, and i'm really hoping I can function without the pain meds tonight and tomorrow so Z can go back to work. (although as bad as my throat and ear are hurting right now I don't know if I can make it :()

Well, i'm very glad those nasty tonsils are gone!!! I know the pain right now is only temporary and I have to keep reminding myself that when it hurts really bad........