Too much.....

Last week Z had been complaining about his left side hurting. He finally got in to see the doctor on Friday and he sent him to the ER because he said it was appendicitis. After hours of waiting to have a CT scan done (or a CAT scan....the past few days have been a blur and I don't remember every little thing) they found he had a tumor near his intestines/bladder. They scheduled surgery for the next day. The boys and I got to the hospital yesterday morning and spent some time with him before his surgery. It was supposed to be at 10am, but they had a trauma come in and he got bumped. Chase was getting fussy so I told Z we would walk around for about an hour and if they still didn't do his surgery we would go home and come back later. We no sooner got downstairs when he called and said they had JUST come to get him! (I knew I should have went downstairs earlier!) So the boys and I went to the second floor, which is where the surgery waiting room is. We had just started towards the room when Ty said "Hey daddy!" and I turned around and there was Z, getting ready to head to surgery. I hated for the boys to see him like that.......I wish we would have gotten to the waiting room sooner. :( The man that wheeled him down said "I figured you all would want to say goodbye..." Hmmm, nice. Well, Ty hugged him and Z told him he loved him, then Chase stuck his foot out for daddy to grab (Z was laying on the stretcher and Chase was in his stroller. I leaned in to kiss him and I could see the tears in his eyes.....I started to get choked up as well and he said he loved me and I told him I loved him and that everything would be just fine. The waiting was hell. After 2.5 hours the doctor finally came in and asked if I wanted to go into a different room to talk....right then I knew something was seriously wrong because the other doctors talked to the people right in the waiting room. It was what we all feared...cancer. He did say they got all of the tumor, plus some of the intestine which he said wasn't a big deal as it was fine and would still function. He said depending on the type of cancer it is will depend on the treatment. If it is one kind (which they seem to think it is, but I have a feeling it wont be...) they can treat it with a pill. If it's the other, then he will need to do chemo and radiation. They sent the tumor and samples off to the lab to be tested, and we should know something by Tuesday. He will be in the hostpial for at least 5-7 days, and possibly out of work for 4-6 weeks. I am terrified. Not only of what could happen, but the fact that we will have no income coming in for that period of time. No way to pay any bills or get groceries. I am trying so hard to stay strong for the boys, but it is getting harder and harder to do that. I feel so alone, and I know I need someone else hear to help, but everyone is so far away and they have their own things to deal with. I just don't know where to turn for help as far as having someone else here. But I need someone.

When he finally got back to the room we were waiting for him. He was pretty much out of it. Once they got him settled they left and he held up his hand for me to hold. He grabbed it and held it tight. He then said "Well?" and I asked if he had talked to the doctor and he said no. So I had to tell him he has cancer. That was by far one of the hardest things for me to have to do. After I told him what the doctor told me I said "You better fight this as hard as you can. I lost my mother to this, I can not lose you..." He said he was going to fight it because he couldn't lose the boys or me. I pretty much lost it. He was hurting so I paged the nurse for him and they came in and gave him some morphine. I told him we would just leave so he could get some good rest and he didn't seem to want us to leave. But Chase was super fussy and we had been there all day so they both were ready to go. He asked Ty to come over to him and he told him to be a good boy and help as much as he could. Then I brought Chase over to say goodbye and next thing you know Ty took off with him in the stroller. Z asked me to lean in and he kissed me and told me he loved me and once again the tears came. I told him I loved him too and that we would get through this. He told me several times he loved me before I left the room. Once I got out of the room I started to lose it, but then I saw Ty and Chase and had to pull myself together again. Ty had a weird look on his face and he said "I started to cry a little.....but i'm ok now!" And I told him it was perfectly fine to cry. I've been trying so hard to hold it all in when the boys are around, but it honestly getting harder and harder. This house is so empty.....I keep waiting to hear Z cough or see him come walking out of the bedroom or bathroom like he does in the mornings. And last night I had a bad dream (and it wasn't about all that is going on, surpringly!) and when I woke up I was shaking inside so I turned over to snuggle up to Z and he wasn't there. I did snuggle up with Chase for a few minutes, though. I am so glad I have Z's ring still. It was and has been a HUGE comfort to me. These next days without him home are going to be SO long and drag.........

I apologize for not knowing all the technical words...they did tell me what kind of tumor it was, but when he said malignant I zoned out. A little over three years ago we went through this with my mother and all of that came flooding back, on top of worrying about Z. So much worry.......

I will update as I find out more, especially once we hear something on Tuesday.

I also want to thank everyone who has been following this on Facebook for their thoughts and prayers. They are all so very much appreciated.