Another step

I got Zanes death certificate today. I read over it a few times. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I kind of went numb. I also had Chase talking to me, which was a much needed distraction. Now I can get some things taken care of that I needed the certificate for.

I could so use a hug right now.......and to not be let go..........

Missing

I didn't really know what to title this post. Today I ordered Zanes death certificate. Why did I have to do that? Why did my husband have to die? Why do I get to miss out on playing with our grandchildren together? Why do I get to miss out on growing old with my husband? 

A huge part of my life is missing. Some days the ache in my heart is so bad I want my heart to just stop beating. People say the pain will get less and less and things will get better over time, and I know they mean well, but that's not helping me now. Nothing is easing the pain. I lose my temper way too much with the boys. All I want to do is lay in the bedroom, and at the same time I want to never go in that bedroom again. Too many painful memories. I want so badly to get the boys out of this house so they can have some sort of normal life. They desevre to feel safe, and to be able to play outside and they deserve bedrooms of their own. Tyler can't have friends over because of where we live and the fact that he doesn't have a room to play in with a friend. But thanks to my credit, no one will finance me and everything I have found to rent we can't afford. All Zane ever talked about was getting our forever home, and I can't even do that. And to be honest, I don't care anymore. Dishes have piled up again....laundry is a mess, mainly because I really don't have a place to put it away. Tyler has to dig through a laundry basket to get clothes for school, because his dresser is still packed away. Both boys are always losing clothes because they are scattered all over. The boys deserve so much better......

I miss so many things. I miss being held. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss gentle kisses. I miss holding Zanes thumb, as to me that was my "security". I miss holding hands while driving or walking. I miss knowing someone loved and cared for me so much. I miss laying up against someone at night. I miss just knowing someone is there for me. I miss being happy. I miss...being me.

One month

It's so hard to believe Zane has been gone a month. Some days it seems so much longer, while other days seem like it just happened. Last night I was sitting on the back deck steps while Jinx was doing his business, and I kept seeing in my mind the paramedics getting Zane out of the house, putting him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. I started crying a little as I tried to get the images out of my mind and said out loud "I love and miss you, Zane..." Before I could wipe any tears away, I heard Jinx whimper and he ran up the steps to me and licked my face.  I know in my heart Zane picked out Jinx for us, and now I know why........

Love and miss you, babe............

The newest Marshall family member

I'm so sorry i'm late posting this!! I would like to introduce you to our newest addition.....

Meet Jinx!!! He is a black German Shepherd. Zane had been talking about getting a German Shepherd for over a year, but before we could get one he passed away. I found a breeder about an hour from us who had German Shepherd girl puppies left so the boys and I headed up to get our puppy. Now when I first talked to the breeder, I asked if he had any of the black male pups left and he said he had someone coming to pick up the male the same day we were coming up. No biggie, as we wanted a pup, boy or girl, but Zane had mentioned the black and I liked those as well....but then again, I loved the black and tan also so any color/sex was fine with us!! When we pulled up, he had 5-6 Shepherds running in his yard. When I got out of the van, I got attacked my doggie kisses and nudges!! They were all SO loveable and social!! I saw the black and tan girl but before I could really look at her the other dogs were trying to get me to pet/love on them and I started talking to the breeder. The next time I looked at the girl pup, I saw a black puppy next to her.....??  The breeder picked up the girl and she was so adorable!!! The breeder then told me the man who came for the black male puppy decided he wanted a black and tan girl instead, so if I wanted the black male I could have him!! I was hesitant at first, as we had been looking at pics of the girl online and had fallen in love with her........but when I picked up the boy and looked into his eyes, I knew he was meant for us!! Something about that puppy just reminded me so much of Zane. So, he came home with us! The name Jinx has been on my list of dog names for years, and if we would have gotten the girl her name would have been Jinx as well. He has full papers, but to be honest papers don't mean anything to me......we would love him with or without them!! He will be 11 weeks old tomorrow, and I had him at the vet yesterday, mainly to just get established with a vet and to get him checked over. (nothing against the breeder, obviously...you could tell how much he loved his dogs and is GREAT with them and all he does!) He had been to the vet last week and weighed 23.6 lbs. Yesterday he was 27.5 lbs!!! He is growing perfectly.

As you can see from the above pic, the boys love having Jinx...the smiles on their faces was worth it all.

Here are a few more pics of our Jinxy.....I love his ears!!

2 weeks

It's now been two weeks since Zane went Home. Things seem to be going "ok". Tyler has had break downs from time to time, and still wakes up scared that someone is going to break into the house. Chase is still trying to understand. He says daddy is up in Heaven, but sometimes asks when he will be home. Me, i've been handling it the best I can. Some days are harder than others. I still keep waiting for him to walk through the front door and say "Honey i'm home and I had a hard day!" and come up and kiss me. I miss him laying up against me at night, keeping me warm. I even miss him "poking" me throughout the night. I miss holding his thumb.....for some reason that was my security. I miss his smell. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing "I love you" more than anything. I hear it from the boys every single day, and I love them more than life ifself. And I know friends and family love me, but it's just not the same....if that makes sense?!? I don't cry as often as I feel I should, but that is because of the Xanax. I know I won't need it for ever and don't want to take it forever, but right now it is the only thing keeping me sane....and keeping me from harming myself, to be honest.

Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.

Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will  help us get into the home we want. I  know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.

One week

It's hard to believe that Zane has been gone for a week already. The in-laws went home Saturday, so it is now just the boys and I starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter I had hoped and prayed would never happen. Saturday we seemed to handle being here ok. After we were here for awhile, Tyler had a break down. He said he was terrified to be in the house without daddy and kept begging me to get moved. I had found at least two homes that would be perfect for us, but do to bad credit I couldn't get financed even when we have income coming in. Before Zane had passed we had asked if someone could co-sign for us to get us out of here, but now that he is gone I just couldn't bring myself to ask someone to do something SO major like that. The house that is right up the road from us we could easily afford if we could only get financed. And it's not like i'm asking to move into some huge, overpriced house! I know in my heart when the time comes we will get to where we belong, but seeing my 9 year old so scared to be in this house due to the neighbors next to us is killing me. It's just not safe here. Hell, even i'm scared to be in this house.I pray every night that somehow we get out of where we are. Maybe that would help us with our grieving. Once we get moved we are getting a German Shepherd puppy that Zane always wanted. He would want us to have that.

I did laundry yesterday. I set aside all of Zanes clothes. I'll keep them out for a bit longer, and then i'll pack them up. I don't want to get rid of any of them. Not even his see-through, worn out boxers that he loved! I ordered another canvas picture from Sam's Club. It was a wedding pic. I know money is tight, but it is something I needed, I think?!? Cleaning the living room I came across his slippers and his work and regular shoes. I took one of his shirts that still had his scent on it and put it over a pillow. It helped a little. I miss his hugs and him telling me he loved me when we went to bed. I thinkI miss that the most right now, just hearing someone say "I love you". I used to hold onto his thumb and it always made me feel safe and secure.....I miss that.

Zane

Zane is now Home with God. Thank you all again for all of the thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They mean so much to us.

God Bless you all

A reason for fear...

Or maybe a better title would be "A reason for MY fear"? Before I start this, I want to warn everyone that it may not be a nice post. Some things I say or talk about may worry some and I don't mean to do that intentionally. I just need to get things out.

The past 18-19 months have been such a blur. When I first learned Z had cancer, I was floored. And then anger set in. Three years earlier I had lost my mother to cancer, why am I being punished again by this crap? Hell, i'm the one who had to tell Z he HAD cancer. When the doctor told us he could take a pill that would help, we were all so relieved! Only to find out months later that the pill had stopped working. But there was another pill! After a few months, we found out that pill wasn't working. There was one last pill, and if that didn't work there wasn't anything else they could do. Well, that is where we are. I have had to do things no spouse should EVER have to do. From telling Z he had cancer, having to fill out a DNR form and a form so that Hospice knew what to do with the body, up to watching him literally dying in front of me. He has lost so much weight all over his body but his belly, which is swollen from tumors. He can barely walk anywhere anymore. We got a walker for him today to help if he does go out, but he only goes from the bed to the bathroom and back again. He can't do any of the basic things people take for granted any longer. I help with everything, from helping him up, going to the bathroom and taking a shower; which as of today he can't do as he can't get into the shower.

So with all Z is going through, why am I talking about MY fear you may ask?  Part of the fear is even talking about what I am about to talk about. I have never wanted to admit this, but maybe if I do it may help someone somewhere?!? 

I have social anxiety & depression. SEVERE social anxiety and depression. Whew, that was harder to type out than I thought it would be. I've always had it, even when I was a little girl. I just never knew what it was. Everyone would just think I was shy, but I knew deep down it was something more severe. I never admitted it to anyone. Not even my own parents, or my best friend, knew what I was dealing with. When I met Z, it wasn't too bad. As the years went on, it got worse. I depended on Z for everything. Not just financially.....but for everything. From making phone calls for me to going out to the store for me so I wouldn't have to face people. I didn't finally get help for it until this past September. It took me that long to get the courage up to finally open up about it. I am getting help for it, with medication and seeing a therapist. But I did apply for disability, as I know there is no way I could ever get the courage to go back to work.

So once again, what does all this have to do with Z?? It's simple. Yes, I have a fear  of losing Z and going on without him with the boys. My fear is, I won't have someone to help me with my anxiety. No one to make calls for me or to be there with me if I had to go out in public. As I said, I leaned on Z for everything. I know that sounds horrible, but that is my biggest fear. I look ahead to having to make doctor appointments for myself or the boys and my fear of using the phone actually makes my stomach hurt. Having to go to Ty's school for anything....or having to register Chase for school. I'm terrified that I have to now do all of that alone. And this is how bad my anxiety/depression has gotten since I found out Z was terminally sick. I've actually considered taking my life. Hell, I even researched info on it!! It was so bad that I didn't even care that the boys would be without me. I would be free of my fear and anxiety and worry, and they deserved someone so much better than myself to raise them. Someone who wasn't afraid to pick up a phone to make a call and wasn't afraid of being out in public.

*sigh* So that's about where we stand now. I wish I could say that things will all work out or get better, but I honestly don't know what I think or believe right now. Just so to take on right now.......

Update

It's been way too  long since i've done an update on Zane. Unfortunately, the update isn't good.

He had been on a total of three different medicines to stop or slow the growth of the tumors he had. According to the doctors, the last p[ill he was on was the very last thing they could use to try and help him. We found out last Monday that the medicine isn't working and that his cancer was just growing out of control. We were both shocked, obviously. The doctor told him they really didn't know how much time he had left. When Zane got home from that appointment, we talked and he told me that they were sending Hospice out to help with things. Once I heard they were coming, I knew something wasn't right. They also were sending a chaplain and a nurse out. The nurse came out on Thursday and spoke with us, and we finally got some answers, and the TRUTH. She told us she had looked at the scans and based on what she saw, Zane had about 3 months. 3 MONTHS! She also told us that the doctor KNEW how much time he had, because he had to sign a form to have Hospice come out and that form states the patient has 6 months or less to live. But the bastard didn't have the balls to tell Zane to his face. Here we were counting on these doctors to take care of him and to tell us the truth, and he couldn't even do that. To say we are devastated is an understatement. Zane was our sole provider. And due to my anxiety/depression issues (which I never really got into here) I depended on him to do everything for me. From making phone calls for things, going to stores for me and just being a big support. Back in September I finally broke down and applied for disability for my issues, and I found out yesterday I was denied. I have no idea how I will provide for the boys, as I am not able to work. Also, I have no idea how we will get out of this house we are living in. The neighbors next door have only gotten worse. In fact, when I was telling Tyler about Zane and what was going on, we were sitting outside. While I was talking to him, we watched a woman come out of the garage next door, go behind it and squat down and snort her drugs. (and lets not forget the times they tried to break in and they used big rocks to damage the car) Not only are they an issue, but this house is NOT safe. There are holes and dips in the floor from where water leaked under the house. The landlord knows about it but does nothing. Yes, I understand we are behind in rent (due to Zane's health), but I would think they would fix the big problems. We had every intention of moving this coming income tax, but now it's even MORE important to get us out of here NOW. But with no income and no savings, I don't know what will happen. I am terrified that Zane will pass away and the boys and I will be stuck in this house all alone. Along with praying for a miracle for Zane, i've also been praying for an angel to help us get out of this house.

Zane is now on some major pain medicines, so he sleeps a big majority of the time. Tyler seems to be handling it ok, but he has said he has had a breakdown at school. His teacher and the counselor know what is going on and have been talking with him. Poor Chase doesn't understand. He knows daddy is sick, and has kissed his tummy and said "Get better, belly". But he has been acting up more and acts weird around Zane. I've been trying my best to keep up with everything and take care of the boys and Zane. It gets so overwhelming. I am doing my best to try and keep things as normal as I can for the boys. Ty is still doing great in school. I also pray if we do get out of here that he can stay in his school. It's bad enough he is losing his daddy, he doesn't need anything else added on to him.

I will try and update this blog as often as I can with how Zane is doing. The last time I did this, it was postings about my mom. :(

Broadway Nails imPRESS Press-on Manicure

I received the Broadway Nails imPRESS Press-on Manicure from influenster in the college vox box. I was so excited to give them a try! I got a pattern manicure set Lil Drumr Grl. They were VERY easy to apply and felt nice and secure on my nails. I loved that there was no drying time needed! They also give you enough nails to wear them twice, which was nice! I did notice after 4-5 days they didn't feel as secure as when I first put them on, though. All in all I would highly recommend them!