Monday, April 18, 2011

Too quiet

Last night was another rough one. When the boys are asleep and it's quiet is the worst. My mind just won't shut off. My heart aches so bad with Zane not here. I try so hard during the day to hold it all together for the boys, but it's becoming harder and harder to do that. I just feel so lost and alone. And I try to hold it together when I visit or talk to Zane, because the last thing he needs right now is to worry about me, but even that is becoming difficult. Chase has been extra fussy, and i've caught myself snipping at him more and more, as well as Tyler. But they both know something is up and that daddy isn't home so of course they are going to "act up". Chase screamed and cried during dinner last night and I just picked him up and put him to bed, and he actually fell asleep. He woke up right before Tyler and I went to bed but he ended up going right back to sleep after we layed down with him. Tyler tries to act like it's all ok, but I can see the worry and fear in his eyes. I've been hugging him and telling him I love him even more, and just reassuring him things will be ok. But I feel like it's a huge lie. How are things going to be ok with no income coming in? How will we pay the rent and bills? *sigh* I could really use a hug and to have someone tell me things will be ok. Just to have someone else here to talk to face to face. Don't get me wrong, talking on the phone and online has helped tremendously......but I need someone physically here.

I noticed last night I could feel my heart beating in my chest when I was watching a movie with Tyler and I felt it again when I went to bed. (not that I slept) I've been making sure i've been taking my meds, but of course I worry with all the stress and fear that my pressure will go out of whack......I also wonder if not eating much is causing it?!? I'm going to look for my pressure machine when I get back from taking Tyler to school. Ugh, I dread taking's hard to explain, but I need to have him (and Chase) with me. I need to have him (and Chase) close. But school is SO important obviously. Today is going to be so rough, especially when Chase takes his nap.

I apologize if this post is rambling........I think lack of sleep and constant worry are starting to catch up to me........