Monday, January 14, 2013

One week

It's hard to believe that Zane has been gone for a week already. The in-laws went home Saturday, so it is now just the boys and I starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter I had hoped and prayed would never happen. Saturday we seemed to handle being here ok. After we were here for awhile, Tyler had a break down. He said he was terrified to be in the house without daddy and kept begging me to get moved. I had found at least two homes that would be perfect for us, but do to bad credit I couldn't get financed even when we have income coming in. Before Zane had passed we had asked if someone could co-sign for us to get us out of here, but now that he is gone I just couldn't bring myself to ask someone to do something SO major like that. The house that is right up the road from us we could easily afford if we could only get financed. And it's not like i'm asking to move into some huge, overpriced house! I know in my heart when the time comes we will get to where we belong, but seeing my 9 year old so scared to be in this house due to the neighbors next to us is killing me. It's just not safe here. Hell, even i'm scared to be in this house.I pray every night that somehow we get out of where we are. Maybe that would help us with our grieving. Once we get moved we are getting a German Shepherd puppy that Zane always wanted. He would want us to have that.

I did laundry yesterday. I set aside all of Zanes clothes. I'll keep them out for a bit longer, and then i'll pack them up. I don't want to get rid of any of them. Not even his see-through, worn out boxers that he loved! I ordered another canvas picture from Sam's Club. It was a wedding pic. I know money is tight, but it is something I needed, I think?!? Cleaning the living room I came across his slippers and his work and regular shoes. I took one of his shirts that still had his scent on it and put it over a pillow. It helped a little. I miss his hugs and him telling me he loved me when we went to bed. I thinkI miss that the most right now, just hearing someone say "I love you". I used to hold onto his thumb and it always made me feel safe and secure.....I miss that.