Tuesday, September 10, 2013


I've been debating about whether or not to do a post like this, but I feel it is time to just get it out and move on.

The title of this post says it all: Judged. Family and friends have decided to judge me based on the fact that I moved on with my life and am in a serious relationship "already". Hell, we're already talking about marriage! No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows what my marriage to Zane was like. The whole 12 years were rough. Worrying about money, bills, whether or not we would have food in the house.....and lies. Zane was horrible with lying about things. No, I was not perfect by any means in the marriage, but I never cheated (Zane didn't either, mind you) and I was always open and honest with him. He had a horrible temper, especially when it came to Tyler. Anything that boy did Zane bitched about. He hardly ever showed him love or affection. Matter of fact, I remember on several occasions Tyler would hug Zane and he wouldn't even hug him back. When Chase was born it only got worse. He loved on Chase and bragged to everyone about the new things he was doing, while Tyler got pushed to the back even further. It put a wedge between us and caused several fights over the years. I was not happy and always blamed myself for feeling that way.

I have no doubt in my mind that Zane loved me, and I know I loved him. The last two years were beyond rough and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. He was extremely moody, to the point where the boys didn't want anything to do with him. The last few months were by far the hardest. Watching Zane slowly lose his ability to do anything for himself was something I will never forget. I gave up sleep, eating and taking care of my health for my spouse, not just because that it was I should have done, I wanted to. When he passed away, I part of me died as well. I swore I would never be serious about anyone again. Then I met Jeff. I can't put into words why I fell for him so quickly. It wasn't just because I was lonely, because if I wanted to just be with someone because of that I would have started seeing someone much sooner. It just felt.....right. The boys took to him just as quick, and that was the thing that pulled me even more to him. He makes them laugh and plays with them all the time! Seeing them so happy, after all those years of being miserable and "scared", just makes me the happiest mom ever. I would NOT have brought Jeff around them if I felt he wasn't "right".

So, the jist of it all is everyone feels they need to judge me. Zanes parents (I will no longer call them in-laws) are upset about it, although they won't come out and say it. Zanes sister i'm sure is upset about it. Hell, Zanes mom gets pissed because I don't answer the phone when she calls or don't call her back right away!! I'm sorry I have a life and am busy. I'm not going to drop everything just so she can be snippy with me because of Jeff. I am finally happy and so are the boys, and they can't stand it! A few friends act "different" towards me. Yes, I moved on what they feel is too fast........i've said it before and i'll say it again: The boys and I are FINALLY happy!!! Why can't everyone just stop fucking judging me and just be happy that we are happy?!?!?

It just hurts when people judge you and you wouldn't think they would ever do that..........................


Jacqueline Miller said...

I feel different but not toward you, just toward the situation and being so far away. Although, I will admit that I am having a bit of a hard time with you being with Jeff but it's mainly because you told me you were going to focus on just you and the boys, since you had always had Zane with you, that you would be just the 3 of you for a while...especially after what happened with that asshole machanic! I just don't want to see you get used again. You are too nice sometimes and go out of your way for people that don't deserve it. So, I'm not sure if I am being judgemental, or just questioning other people's motives...my main concern is you and the boys. I want you to be happy, loved, supported emotionally AND financially. It would be nice to not have to worry, like you did with Zane and his issues. You shouldn't have to always struggle and the boys should not have too, either. So, it does not worry me that you moved fast becuase YOU are the only person that knows whether it is good for you. I say do what makes you happy- as long as it doesn't cost you everything else in the long run later on. You and the boys have been through so much, so the happiness is well deserved! Other people can't tell you how to live. If they love you, then they trust your decisions. You are an adult. And the boys, I think, know who love them and are true to them. They are smart boys. In your gut, you know. They know. I know. You will do what's best. The judgemental people are probably unhappy people that have to put you down to feel better about themselves. Don't worry about them and don't feel like you have to explain yourself!! <3

Jeffrey said...

no matter how far a person is away from you, you shouldnt "feel different" if they were your honest friend it wouldnt matter how far they are from you. Just saying. why is chris being with me giving you a hard time? Am i that terrible? or is it cause shes happy?.. have a nice night