Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A reason for fear...

Or maybe a better title would be "A reason for MY fear"? Before I start this, I want to warn everyone that it may not be a nice post. Some things I say or talk about may worry some and I don't mean to do that intentionally. I just need to get things out.

The past 18-19 months have been such a blur. When I first learned Z had cancer, I was floored. And then anger set in. Three years earlier I had lost my mother to cancer, why am I being punished again by this crap? Hell, i'm the one who had to tell Z he HAD cancer. When the doctor told us he could take a pill that would help, we were all so relieved! Only to find out months later that the pill had stopped working. But there was another pill! After a few months, we found out that pill wasn't working. There was one last pill, and if that didn't work there wasn't anything else they could do. Well, that is where we are. I have had to do things no spouse should EVER have to do. From telling Z he had cancer, having to fill out a DNR form and a form so that Hospice knew what to do with the body, up to watching him literally dying in front of me. He has lost so much weight all over his body but his belly, which is swollen from tumors. He can barely walk anywhere anymore. We got a walker for him today to help if he does go out, but he only goes from the bed to the bathroom and back again. He can't do any of the basic things people take for granted any longer. I help with everything, from helping him up, going to the bathroom and taking a shower; which as of today he can't do as he can't get into the shower.

So with all Z is going through, why am I talking about MY fear you may ask?  Part of the fear is even talking about what I am about to talk about. I have never wanted to admit this, but maybe if I do it may help someone somewhere?!? 

I have social anxiety & depression. SEVERE social anxiety and depression. Whew, that was harder to type out than I thought it would be. I've always had it, even when I was a little girl. I just never knew what it was. Everyone would just think I was shy, but I knew deep down it was something more severe. I never admitted it to anyone. Not even my own parents, or my best friend, knew what I was dealing with. When I met Z, it wasn't too bad. As the years went on, it got worse. I depended on Z for everything. Not just financially.....but for everything. From making phone calls for me to going out to the store for me so I wouldn't have to face people. I didn't finally get help for it until this past September. It took me that long to get the courage up to finally open up about it. I am getting help for it, with medication and seeing a therapist. But I did apply for disability, as I know there is no way I could ever get the courage to go back to work.

So once again, what does all this have to do with Z?? It's simple. Yes, I have a fear  of losing Z and going on without him with the boys. My fear is, I won't have someone to help me with my anxiety. No one to make calls for me or to be there with me if I had to go out in public. As I said, I leaned on Z for everything. I know that sounds horrible, but that is my biggest fear. I look ahead to having to make doctor appointments for myself or the boys and my fear of using the phone actually makes my stomach hurt. Having to go to Ty's school for anything....or having to register Chase for school. I'm terrified that I have to now do all of that alone. And this is how bad my anxiety/depression has gotten since I found out Z was terminally sick. I've actually considered taking my life. Hell, I even researched info on it!! It was so bad that I didn't even care that the boys would be without me. I would be free of my fear and anxiety and worry, and they deserved someone so much better than myself to raise them. Someone who wasn't afraid to pick up a phone to make a call and wasn't afraid of being out in public.

*sigh* So that's about where we stand now. I wish I could say that things will all work out or get better, but I honestly don't know what I think or believe right now. Just so to take on right now.......

3 comments:

Jacqueline Miller said...

That's the whole point, love. They wouldn't have YOU. I can't say I understand what you are going through because I don't. But I can tell you, my life WOULD NOT be the same without YOU. I'll make your calls!! I'll clone myself and do your shopping!! I'll do whatever you need, and I hate the idea of you being in TN without help. I hate the thoughts you are having and that you feel this way and I wish like Hell there was something I could do for you. I wish I could say that things WILL work out, but I don't know that. But I will hope and pray with every ounce of my being that things will!! Just know that we love you, you are in our thoughts and prayers every day. A few times a day. I wish I could take away that fear, all of it. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! xoxoxox

Christine said...

And I love YOU, Jackie!! Thank you for all of your love, prayers and support. *smooches*

Jacqueline Miller said...

I know you do! ;)
Wish I could do more.