Friday, October 4, 2013

Fall is here!

I absolutely LOVE this time of year!!! Watching the leaves change, the cooler air.....even the smell of the air! And of course Halloween and Thanksgiving are coming up. The boys already have their costumes and are SO ready to trick-or-treat! I've been busy doing one of my favorite things.....decorating! It's been so long since i've been able to decorate. Before we moved, I had no desire at all to do hardly any decorating. In fact, I dreaded when the holidays would come round........and it was so hard seeing all the decorations everyone had up. Now, it's finally my turn!!! I've only done a few things as far as Halloween decorating. I may add more, but we will see. I love how things look right now!

Here is the entry way into the dining area.....

And here is pic of one of the tables I decorated...

And....we finally got some REAL pumkins for outside!!

I can't wait to carve them! The boys are just so excited with all the decorating and the holidays coming.

Also with the weather being  little bit cooler, Jeff and I took the boys camping for the very first time! Ok, so we camped out right in the back yard, but it was still fun!!

They had so much fun! At first they were a little scared, but once they realized we were all together and close to home they seemed to loosen up. Now they ask if we can camp out every weekend!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


I've been debating about whether or not to do a post like this, but I feel it is time to just get it out and move on.

The title of this post says it all: Judged. Family and friends have decided to judge me based on the fact that I moved on with my life and am in a serious relationship "already". Hell, we're already talking about marriage! No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows what my marriage to Zane was like. The whole 12 years were rough. Worrying about money, bills, whether or not we would have food in the house.....and lies. Zane was horrible with lying about things. No, I was not perfect by any means in the marriage, but I never cheated (Zane didn't either, mind you) and I was always open and honest with him. He had a horrible temper, especially when it came to Tyler. Anything that boy did Zane bitched about. He hardly ever showed him love or affection. Matter of fact, I remember on several occasions Tyler would hug Zane and he wouldn't even hug him back. When Chase was born it only got worse. He loved on Chase and bragged to everyone about the new things he was doing, while Tyler got pushed to the back even further. It put a wedge between us and caused several fights over the years. I was not happy and always blamed myself for feeling that way.

I have no doubt in my mind that Zane loved me, and I know I loved him. The last two years were beyond rough and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. He was extremely moody, to the point where the boys didn't want anything to do with him. The last few months were by far the hardest. Watching Zane slowly lose his ability to do anything for himself was something I will never forget. I gave up sleep, eating and taking care of my health for my spouse, not just because that it was I should have done, I wanted to. When he passed away, I part of me died as well. I swore I would never be serious about anyone again. Then I met Jeff. I can't put into words why I fell for him so quickly. It wasn't just because I was lonely, because if I wanted to just be with someone because of that I would have started seeing someone much sooner. It just felt.....right. The boys took to him just as quick, and that was the thing that pulled me even more to him. He makes them laugh and plays with them all the time! Seeing them so happy, after all those years of being miserable and "scared", just makes me the happiest mom ever. I would NOT have brought Jeff around them if I felt he wasn't "right".

So, the jist of it all is everyone feels they need to judge me. Zanes parents (I will no longer call them in-laws) are upset about it, although they won't come out and say it. Zanes sister i'm sure is upset about it. Hell, Zanes mom gets pissed because I don't answer the phone when she calls or don't call her back right away!! I'm sorry I have a life and am busy. I'm not going to drop everything just so she can be snippy with me because of Jeff. I am finally happy and so are the boys, and they can't stand it! A few friends act "different" towards me. Yes, I moved on what they feel is too fast........i've said it before and i'll say it again: The boys and I are FINALLY happy!!! Why can't everyone just stop fucking judging me and just be happy that we are happy?!?!?

It just hurts when people judge you and you wouldn't think they would ever do that..........................

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

First day of school!

Ok, so last Thursday was Ty's first day...I am slacking!!!

So hard to believe I am a mom to a 4th grader......

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Ressurecting this blog!

Woah, has it really been since February that I posted?!? Yikes!! Soooo much has happened! Time for some updates....

- I think the biggest update is....WE MOVED!!! We are finally away from that nasty house and in a much nicer home! Getting moved was a bitch, thats for sure...but we made it! Here is a pic of the house:

Home sweet home!

It is everything we could ever want and more!The boys each have their own rooms (but they are sharing a room right now...thank goodness for bunk beds!) and they have a huge yard to play in!! Tyler did have to switch schools, but the new school is wonderful. It's so nice to feel safe and not have to worry about neighbors fact, our neighbors are SO sweet!!! We have wanted something like this for so long......over 9 years! We are so very blessed!!!

- Tyler is doing amazing! As I said, he did have to switch schools, but he loves this new school! It goes all the way up to the 8th grade, which he said  he was excited about since he will be in the same school with Chase for longer! He has adjusted well to the new home and school. He still has some moments where he will talk about Zane and get sad, but for the most part he is handling things well. He goes back to school next week, and will be going into the 4th grade!! So very proud of him!!!
- Chase is also doing great!! He turned 4 in hard to believe my baby is 4 years old. And even harder to believe that he will start kindergarten next school year!!! He is such a smart little stinker.....and he is always doing something to make me laugh. He's also gotten into the not so nice stage of being a toddler/little guy. He fights SO much with Tyler, and for no reason! He will haul off and smack Ty upside the head or hit his leg or arm, and has even bitten him a few times. *sigh* We keep correcting him, and hopefully this will all fade over i'm sure Ty going back to school will help a little. Being stuck with each other every single day can get to you!!

- Jinx is, well....Jinx!!! He is 8 months old now, and over 87 lbs!! He is doing well with learning new commands, but the biting/mouthing thing is still a pain in the butt. He still has alot of growing and learning to do, but we all love him SO much!!!!

- Ok, so an update on me. I am seeing someone. I'm sure that will not set well with ALOT of people, but such is life. Yes, I know Zane has only been gone 6 months. I believe, with all my heart and soul, that God and Zane brought this man to us. He is beyond a blessing to us!! He came into our lives and for the first time in a VERY long time, the boys and I are happy. He is amazing with both of the boys. He loves spending time with us and does everything he can to show how much he loves us and wants to be apart of our family. And his family is just as amazing as he is!! They have all accepted the boys and I as if we were always apart of their family.

So that is it, I am in a relationship. Yes, it is serious. In fact, we have discussed marriage and I feel some day it could very well happen. I know that I am with Jeff because I want to be and I love him, not because I am lonely or scared to be alone. If that were the case, I would have found someone lot sooner and just settled and been miserable. Do I still think about Zane? Of course!! Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Every time I look at Ty or Chase I see Zane.  He is always with me, and will forever be in my heart. But he would want me to move on, and I KNOW he would want us to be happy......and we ARE!!!!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Another step

I got Zanes death certificate today. I read over it a few times. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I kind of went numb. I also had Chase talking to me, which was a much needed distraction. Now I can get some things taken care of that I needed the certificate for.

I could so use a hug right now.......and to not be let go..........

Monday, February 18, 2013


I didn't really know what to title this post. Today I ordered Zanes death certificate. Why did I have to do that? Why did my husband have to die? Why do I get to miss out on playing with our grandchildren together? Why do I get to miss out on growing old with my husband? 

A huge part of my life is missing. Some days the ache in my heart is so bad I want my heart to just stop beating. People say the pain will get less and less and things will get better over time, and I know they mean well, but that's not helping me now. Nothing is easing the pain. I lose my temper way too much with the boys. All I want to do is lay in the bedroom, and at the same time I want to never go in that bedroom again. Too many painful memories. I want so badly to get the boys out of this house so they can have some sort of normal life. They desevre to feel safe, and to be able to play outside and they deserve bedrooms of their own. Tyler can't have friends over because of where we live and the fact that he doesn't have a room to play in with a friend. But thanks to my credit, no one will finance me and everything I have found to rent we can't afford. All Zane ever talked about was getting our forever home, and I can't even do that. And to be honest, I don't care anymore. Dishes have piled up again....laundry is a mess, mainly because I really don't have a place to put it away. Tyler has to dig through a laundry basket to get clothes for school, because his dresser is still packed away. Both boys are always losing clothes because they are scattered all over. The boys deserve so much better......

I miss so many things. I miss being held. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss gentle kisses. I miss holding Zanes thumb, as to me that was my "security". I miss holding hands while driving or walking. I miss knowing someone loved and cared for me so much. I miss laying up against someone at night. I miss just knowing someone is there for me. I miss being happy. I miss...being me.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

One month

It's so hard to believe Zane has been gone a month. Some days it seems so much longer, while other days seem like it just happened. Last night I was sitting on the back deck steps while Jinx was doing his business, and I kept seeing in my mind the paramedics getting Zane out of the house, putting him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. I started crying a little as I tried to get the images out of my mind and said out loud "I love and miss you, Zane..." Before I could wipe any tears away, I heard Jinx whimper and he ran up the steps to me and licked my face.  I know in my heart Zane picked out Jinx for us, and now I know why........

Love and miss you, babe............

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The newest Marshall family member

I'm so sorry i'm late posting this!! I would like to introduce you to our newest addition.....

Meet Jinx!!! He is a black German Shepherd. Zane had been talking about getting a German Shepherd for over a year, but before we could get one he passed away. I found a breeder about an hour from us who had German Shepherd girl puppies left so the boys and I headed up to get our puppy. Now when I first talked to the breeder, I asked if he had any of the black male pups left and he said he had someone coming to pick up the male the same day we were coming up. No biggie, as we wanted a pup, boy or girl, but Zane had mentioned the black and I liked those as well....but then again, I loved the black and tan also so any color/sex was fine with us!! When we pulled up, he had 5-6 Shepherds running in his yard. When I got out of the van, I got attacked my doggie kisses and nudges!! They were all SO loveable and social!! I saw the black and tan girl but before I could really look at her the other dogs were trying to get me to pet/love on them and I started talking to the breeder. The next time I looked at the girl pup, I saw a black puppy next to her.....??  The breeder picked up the girl and she was so adorable!!! The breeder then told me the man who came for the black male puppy decided he wanted a black and tan girl instead, so if I wanted the black male I could have him!! I was hesitant at first, as we had been looking at pics of the girl online and had fallen in love with her........but when I picked up the boy and looked into his eyes, I knew he was meant for us!! Something about that puppy just reminded me so much of Zane. So, he came home with us! The name Jinx has been on my list of dog names for years, and if we would have gotten the girl her name would have been Jinx as well. He has full papers, but to be honest papers don't mean anything to me......we would love him with or without them!! He will be 11 weeks old tomorrow, and I had him at the vet yesterday, mainly to just get established with a vet and to get him checked over. (nothing against the breeder, could tell how much he loved his dogs and is GREAT with them and all he does!) He had been to the vet last week and weighed 23.6 lbs. Yesterday he was 27.5 lbs!!! He is growing perfectly.

As you can see from the above pic, the boys love having Jinx...the smiles on their faces was worth it all.

Here are a few more pics of our Jinxy.....I love his ears!!

Monday, January 21, 2013

2 weeks

It's now been two weeks since Zane went Home. Things seem to be going "ok". Tyler has had break downs from time to time, and still wakes up scared that someone is going to break into the house. Chase is still trying to understand. He says daddy is up in Heaven, but sometimes asks when he will be home. Me, i've been handling it the best I can. Some days are harder than others. I still keep waiting for him to walk through the front door and say "Honey i'm home and I had a hard day!" and come up and kiss me. I miss him laying up against me at night, keeping me warm. I even miss him "poking" me throughout the night. I miss holding his thumb.....for some reason that was my security. I miss his smell. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing "I love you" more than anything. I hear it from the boys every single day, and I love them more than life ifself. And I know friends and family love me, but it's just not the same....if that makes sense?!? I don't cry as often as I feel I should, but that is because of the Xanax. I know I won't need it for ever and don't want to take it forever, but right now it is the only thing keeping me sane....and keeping me from harming myself, to be honest.

Yesterday I did some laundry and I packed Zanes clothes in his suitcase. It was tough, but I had to do it for now so we had some room for the boys clothes. Once we get moved i'll decide what I will do with them. Several people mentioned making a quilt with them, and I love that idea. I think i'll see if I could find someone local who could make it for me at a reasonable price. I also cleaned off his things from the bathroom sink. I couldn't bring myself to put it all away...I kept his deodorat out. I also found a few of his hairs from where he shaved and I put them in a baggie.

Right now we are still trying to get out of this house. Every night I pray that someone will  help us get into the home we want. I  know asking someone to do something so huge is a HUGE deal, but getting my boys out of here is so very important. I want them to feel safe, ansd there is a house right around from us that is perfect. I would do everything in my power to make the payments, would we could very easily afford.....just finding someone to co-sign for me is a struggle. I know if the home is meant to be ours, someone will help us. God will provide if it is meant to be.

Monday, January 14, 2013

One week

It's hard to believe that Zane has been gone for a week already. The in-laws went home Saturday, so it is now just the boys and I starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter I had hoped and prayed would never happen. Saturday we seemed to handle being here ok. After we were here for awhile, Tyler had a break down. He said he was terrified to be in the house without daddy and kept begging me to get moved. I had found at least two homes that would be perfect for us, but do to bad credit I couldn't get financed even when we have income coming in. Before Zane had passed we had asked if someone could co-sign for us to get us out of here, but now that he is gone I just couldn't bring myself to ask someone to do something SO major like that. The house that is right up the road from us we could easily afford if we could only get financed. And it's not like i'm asking to move into some huge, overpriced house! I know in my heart when the time comes we will get to where we belong, but seeing my 9 year old so scared to be in this house due to the neighbors next to us is killing me. It's just not safe here. Hell, even i'm scared to be in this house.I pray every night that somehow we get out of where we are. Maybe that would help us with our grieving. Once we get moved we are getting a German Shepherd puppy that Zane always wanted. He would want us to have that.

I did laundry yesterday. I set aside all of Zanes clothes. I'll keep them out for a bit longer, and then i'll pack them up. I don't want to get rid of any of them. Not even his see-through, worn out boxers that he loved! I ordered another canvas picture from Sam's Club. It was a wedding pic. I know money is tight, but it is something I needed, I think?!? Cleaning the living room I came across his slippers and his work and regular shoes. I took one of his shirts that still had his scent on it and put it over a pillow. It helped a little. I miss his hugs and him telling me he loved me when we went to bed. I thinkI miss that the most right now, just hearing someone say "I love you". I used to hold onto his thumb and it always made me feel safe and secure.....I miss that.

Monday, January 7, 2013


Zane is now Home with God. Thank you all again for all of the thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They mean so much to us.

God Bless you all

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A reason for fear...

Or maybe a better title would be "A reason for MY fear"? Before I start this, I want to warn everyone that it may not be a nice post. Some things I say or talk about may worry some and I don't mean to do that intentionally. I just need to get things out.

The past 18-19 months have been such a blur. When I first learned Z had cancer, I was floored. And then anger set in. Three years earlier I had lost my mother to cancer, why am I being punished again by this crap? Hell, i'm the one who had to tell Z he HAD cancer. When the doctor told us he could take a pill that would help, we were all so relieved! Only to find out months later that the pill had stopped working. But there was another pill! After a few months, we found out that pill wasn't working. There was one last pill, and if that didn't work there wasn't anything else they could do. Well, that is where we are. I have had to do things no spouse should EVER have to do. From telling Z he had cancer, having to fill out a DNR form and a form so that Hospice knew what to do with the body, up to watching him literally dying in front of me. He has lost so much weight all over his body but his belly, which is swollen from tumors. He can barely walk anywhere anymore. We got a walker for him today to help if he does go out, but he only goes from the bed to the bathroom and back again. He can't do any of the basic things people take for granted any longer. I help with everything, from helping him up, going to the bathroom and taking a shower; which as of today he can't do as he can't get into the shower.

So with all Z is going through, why am I talking about MY fear you may ask?  Part of the fear is even talking about what I am about to talk about. I have never wanted to admit this, but maybe if I do it may help someone somewhere?!? 

I have social anxiety & depression. SEVERE social anxiety and depression. Whew, that was harder to type out than I thought it would be. I've always had it, even when I was a little girl. I just never knew what it was. Everyone would just think I was shy, but I knew deep down it was something more severe. I never admitted it to anyone. Not even my own parents, or my best friend, knew what I was dealing with. When I met Z, it wasn't too bad. As the years went on, it got worse. I depended on Z for everything. Not just financially.....but for everything. From making phone calls for me to going out to the store for me so I wouldn't have to face people. I didn't finally get help for it until this past September. It took me that long to get the courage up to finally open up about it. I am getting help for it, with medication and seeing a therapist. But I did apply for disability, as I know there is no way I could ever get the courage to go back to work.

So once again, what does all this have to do with Z?? It's simple. Yes, I have a fear  of losing Z and going on without him with the boys. My fear is, I won't have someone to help me with my anxiety. No one to make calls for me or to be there with me if I had to go out in public. As I said, I leaned on Z for everything. I know that sounds horrible, but that is my biggest fear. I look ahead to having to make doctor appointments for myself or the boys and my fear of using the phone actually makes my stomach hurt. Having to go to Ty's school for anything....or having to register Chase for school. I'm terrified that I have to now do all of that alone. And this is how bad my anxiety/depression has gotten since I found out Z was terminally sick. I've actually considered taking my life. Hell, I even researched info on it!! It was so bad that I didn't even care that the boys would be without me. I would be free of my fear and anxiety and worry, and they deserved someone so much better than myself to raise them. Someone who wasn't afraid to pick up a phone to make a call and wasn't afraid of being out in public.

*sigh* So that's about where we stand now. I wish I could say that things will all work out or get better, but I honestly don't know what I think or believe right now. Just so to take on right now.......